Angel With A Shotgun

i've felt extremely alone the last little bit....
not just secluded but almost.... empty.....

there's not many people i can talk to and i don't think many actually care. but i'm starting to realize that God intended for this to happen.. i'm independent, stubborn, and think i can do everything on my own. but the truth is, i can't....

until today i wasn't sure just how much i could endure.. but now i've found with thanks to Him.... i'm stronger then i ever knew

i'm so thankful for His grace, love, and forgiveness...and his ability to pull me out of my hardest moments..out of the blue...

today i'm learning that standing alone doesn't mean i'm alone..
...that my strengths over power my weaknesses...
...that i'm stronger then anything life throws my way...

          ...that i'm an 

"trails are a compliment to the soul. either god is trying to streghten you for his purposed, or satan is trying to destroy you for his. in either case, it shows you are important and worth fighting for."

>>this song has been on repeat today.... tim/ne-yo you never let me down.

Not Lucky.. Blessed.

It's Thanksgiving again...

and even though I had a week from hell,

I have soo much to be thankful for.

I could spend hours writing a list of everything but there are a few things that I am especially thankful for.

The Power Of Love..

It still amazes me the sheer power love has.

It can make or break a family, a relationship, and a heart.

This is what we live for.

To love and be loved that is everything.

I'm thankful for the love I've received...

whether it was for an hour, a night, or a lifetime.

The Middle Moments..

Someone once told me, life is about moments.

So true. 

But what I'm thankful for is those middle moments,

when you don't quite know how you got where you are,

and you can't quite see the end.

middle moments.

I'm in one, and I despise it,

but I'm thankful for it because sometimes we have to experience the bad to appreciate the good.

The Things that Heal..

Certain things can just fix a broken heart,

for me those things are..

food and music.

food has a way of distracting me, and good food can, for even just a moment, bring happiness.

music soothes the soul, and it has a way of making me feel at ease and helps me forget.

The Beauty in The Breakdown..

I have had one of the hardest weeks of my life.

I'm not sure anyone realizes the heartbreak and ache I've gone and am going through. I'm still trying to get myself back.

But I've realized this,

"Don't be afraid to fall apart, it's a chance to rebuild yourself the way you always wanted to be."

I'm rebuilding, and healing,

 and I'm thankful for the opportunity to.

I'm so blessed. Even though I've complained a lot this week, I still love my life and everything about it. I hope that I show my gratitude more then just once a year, and I pray that I live worthy of this life I love.

Band of Horses - The Funeral by dancarr1981

In This City That Kills...

I'm drained. 

That really is the only way to describe it. 

There is nothing left in me.. 

I've emptied myself of tears.

Lost my appetite and my energy.

And completely lost my mind.

I can't say that the last 24 hours were the worst thing that could've happened. But it's pretty close. 

I lost in love. I lost in life.

...in a matter of six hours.

wow.

To say the least it rocked my world.

All that's left is a broke, broken girl.

if there was a way to shake this feeling of fear and heartache, I would. It's easy to look at the situation and say.....

"everything happens for a reason"

"time heals everything"

"at least you aren't hurt"

"what doesn't kill you makes you strong"

"everything is going to be okay"

NO.

everything is not okay. i'm failing to see the silver lining or lesson in this mess. how do you expect me to be optimistic when everything is going horribly wrong. 

No. i'm not dead. but i sure as hell feel like it.

Hell is empty.

and all the Devils are here.

Safetysuit-Gone Away 

Made In America

I'm sad this morning waking up and realizing that this nation has another four years with a president that has not put America first.

Romney didn't lose. America lost.

It would have been nice to see a man in office that knew what do to with money. 

Are Americans really okay with doing the same thing for another 4 years?

Are we that blind, that we can't see that this nation is not in a better, but worse state then it was in 2008.

BUT

What's done, is done.

Now what?

I suppose just hold our breathe.

Cross our fingers.

& pray that God will continue to guide and bless this country.

"Men may fail in this country, earthquakes may come, seas may heave beyond their bounds, there may be great drought, disaster, and hardship, but this nation, founded on principles laid down by men whom God raised up, will never fail. 

This is the cradle of humanity, where life on this earth began in the Garden of Eden. This is the place of the new Jerusalem. This is the place that the Lord said is favored above all other nations in all the world. 

This is the place where the Savior will come to His temple. This is the favored land in all the world.

 Yes, I repeat, men may fail, but this nation won't fail. 

I have faith in America; you and I must have faith in America , if we understand the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ. We are living in a day when we must pay heed to these challenges."

-Harold B. Lee

Catching Dreams

"she believed in dreams alright,

 but she also believed in doing something about them. 

when prince charming didn't come along,

 she went over to the palace and got him."

i'm a day dreamer.

always have been. & always will be.

but lately i've caught myself dreaming far to often and about things that are completely odd.

everyone says that "everything happens for a reason"

if so.. someone explain to me why i can't shake this feeling.

i stumble to explain why i'm still smitten.

in this world, it's hard to get things right.

it's hard to know when we've made the right decision,

or if things always just work out the way they're supposed to.

all i know is i don't have to have

 it all figured out to move forward.

the world spins madly on, and doesn't wait for anyone.

but dreams are forever.

I Just Can't....

yep. that's me right now.

The worst battle:

what i know vs. what i feel

I've been faced with a tough choice, a tough situation.

I guess I've been avoiding it.

Well I faced it today.

And even though you threw it away,

it'll be okay.

I get to focus on something else.

and 

"every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end"

I'm sad to see us end

but i guess i'm excited to see what happens.

You're Future is as bright as your Faith

Bon Iver - I Can't Make You Love Me by movewiththewind

Youth Triangle.

"Whether we like it or not,

 whether we try to or not, 

whether we fight it or not, 

we always end up falling for the one 

who is horribly wrong for us"

I've really come to understand this the last couple weeks. 

We never fall the person we should, the guy that sweet and kind, we fall for the bad boys. The ones that keep us guessing, test our limits and break our hearts.

 THE GOOD.

He's sooo different. 
He's funny and charming, exactly what I need right now.
When we met it was a breath of fresh air.
Finally someone I could just sit and laugh with for hours, and not feel like I had to put up a front.
Things just came easy.
I feel secure with him.

Sounds like heaven right...
Not exactly.
I'm notorious for falling for those so far away from me 
There is nothing I hate more then a long distance relationship.
It has ruined things in the past and I'm concerned that it's going to hinder this one.
I mean how do you begin and build a relationship from 700 miles apart.
You just don't.
I just need him here.

THE BAD.

I really didn't think that I'd fall for him.. I honestly didn't.
 I could just tell from the beginning that he was the type of guy to steer clear from.
 Well that plan failed...

At the beginning there were no feelings, and I was okay with that, 

I wanted it like that

Well, I always say... Prepare to be Surprised!

I can without a doubt tell you that I am more than surprised..

I'm shocked.

He wasn't suppose to be caring, or understanding.

He wasn't supposed to listen or ask me how my day was.

He wasn't suppose to make me feel anything

but he did...

I think it's normal to have expectations.

Maybe that's the control freak in me, but I like knowing how people will act and knowing how situations will turn out.

This has definitely thrown me for a loop.

I don't know what to do or how to act now..

I'll admit.. 

I'm a light weight 

easy to fall 

easy to break

That's what makes me so afraid.

I'm afraid to let him in, 

I'm worried he'll prove me right.

but

on the flip side...

I'm intrigued.

I love how he's taken me by surprise,
and upset my plans.

THE UGLY.

So now what?!
That's the ugly part.
That's the part I'm trying to avoid.

Choose The Risk

There are a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, 
upsets your plans, 
and may seem crazy to others. 
When that happens, you do it. 
Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. 
Ignore logic, 
ignore the odds, 
ignore the complications 
&& just go for it.

The Voice In My Head

"Look less with your eyes and more with your heart."

Conference Weekend.
It's always a weekend that I look forward to.
Not only because of Mom's famous cinnamon rolls,
or because of the quality time spent with family and friends
but because it is a time when God smacks me right in the face with advice and guidance that I need.

I love the gospel and the constant reassurance it is to me that I have a purpose here in this crazy world. That I am more then just a number or a statistic. I am here for a reason. And that although I'm far from perfect, and despite my daily mistakes and short-comings God loves me and has a plan for me.
I've been through some tough things.
Things that know one knows or could even understand.
But I refuse to let those define me or tear down my spirit. 
The world does not get to have the best of me.
I've realized that I'm not only a survivor, I'm a fighter.
I'm tougher then anything life throws me.

To those who feel like life has dealt them a bad hand, please remember to be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.




Invincible by Ester Dean

Moving at My Own Pace

she's banged up.

mentally and emotionally
literally and metaphorically

but everyday she walks outside with a smile on her face

because that's who she is

& because she's the hero of her own story.

 I have to remind myself that no one is going to make my dreams come true for me. It is my job to get up every day and work toward the things that are deepest in my heart, and to enjoy every step of the journey rather than wishing I was already where I want to end up.

I'm still not sure about a lot of things. and i feel like that's been looked down upon, but the way i see it is, i'm taking my time....

I'm taking my time deciding what I want to do...

who I want to be...

& who I want to be with...

stop hating on me for that!!
let me enjoy the ride.

                Dream on...

The Girl All The Bad Boys Want...

I often realize...

I find myself in the damnedest places.

That is the perfectly formulated way to describe my life.

This last week I got the random opportunity to go to Vegas with a company to work at the Interbike trade show.

& after 20 seconds of insane courage and winning a bet made by a co-worker, my trip ended with these boys.

I mean who gets the chance hang out and walk the strip with Maris Strombergs until 8 in the morning.

If you're not green with jealous rage that this point..

 let me tell you....

you should be.

I find myself in the damnedest places.. ;]

every experience is a life lesson, so...

  You are the books you read, 

the films you watch, 

the music you listen to,

 the people you meet,

 the dreams you have, 

the conversations you engage in.

 You are what you take from these. 

You are the sound of the ocean, the breath of fresh air, the brightest light and the darkest corner. 

You are a collection of every experience you have had in your life. 

You are every single day. 

So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge and existence.

 Let the words run through your veins and let the colors fill your mind. 

take chances.

 risk looking like a fool.

& just go for it.

With Every Inch....

Learn to  the fool in you

 the one who feels too much,

 talks too much, 

takes too many chances,

 wins sometimes and loses often, 

lacks self control,

 loves and hates, 

hurts and gets hurt,

 promises and breaks promises,

 laughs and cries.

 It alone protects you against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom you also harbor and who would rob you of human aliveness, humility, and dignity.

04-natasha bedingfield-neon lights by mbOp

They Say Good Things Take Time..

You're interesting

and you're different

 and I like that 

I've needed that.

You're a breath of fresh air.

a moment of relief.

I'm giddy again.

Like the cute little girl on her first day of school.

I'm blushing.
all smiles.
&& giggles. 

                      I think i'm....

For that smile...
            that laugh...
                       those eyes...

It's that moment when you don't want to admit you're smitten.
&& tangled up in feelings 

Save My Heart by Dianne Joy Pico

One In A Million.

It’s a strange thing, 
how you can love somebody, 
how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them-
and they simply don’t need you.
That’s all there is to it.
and neither of you can do anything about it.
And they’ll be the same way with someone else,
and someone else will be the same way about you
and it goes on and on- 
this desperate need- 
and only once in a rare million do the same two people need each other.
That is why love is so difficult.
and yet that's why
              
                                      is so incredibly beautiful.

Leighton Meester ft. Garrett Hedlund - Give In To Me by Paula Silva

And So It Goes...

Honestly.

I don't know how it happened.

I'm still trying to make sense of it all.

It's been nearly 5 years since I met my best friend.

5 years of ups and downs.

drama and excitement.

adventures and memories.

all gone and meaningless in a blink of the eye.

and why?

because you are doing your own thing?

because suddenly I'm not one you want to spend time with?

because you can't take two minutes to call?

because suddenly it's not enough to be with your best friend?

why?

Why does our friendship suddenly mean nothing?

although, i shouldn't be surprised.

i've been dragging this friendship for quite awhile now.

 i've been the one putting in the effort.
the one trying to keep things together.

well....
i'm done.

i will no longer fight for those who don't fight for me.
why would i?
you sure didn't.

this isn't the first time and that's why i still have a glimmer of hope that someday in the near future we can get back to what we were. but for now, my heart hurts to think that the best of friends have become two strangers.

but lucky for me.. God blesses me daily, and
my heart excites that two strangers have become the best of friends.