I Just Can't....

yep. that's me right now.

The worst battle:

what i know vs. what i feel

I've been faced with a tough choice, a tough situation.

I guess I've been avoiding it.

Well I faced it today.

And even though you threw it away,

it'll be okay.

I get to focus on something else.

and 

"every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end"

I'm sad to see us end

but i guess i'm excited to see what happens.

You're Future is as bright as your Faith

Bon Iver - I Can't Make You Love Me by movewiththewind

Youth Triangle.

"Whether we like it or not,

 whether we try to or not, 

whether we fight it or not, 

we always end up falling for the one 

who is horribly wrong for us"

I've really come to understand this the last couple weeks. 

We never fall the person we should, the guy that sweet and kind, we fall for the bad boys. The ones that keep us guessing, test our limits and break our hearts.

 THE GOOD.

He's sooo different. 
He's funny and charming, exactly what I need right now.
When we met it was a breath of fresh air.
Finally someone I could just sit and laugh with for hours, and not feel like I had to put up a front.
Things just came easy.
I feel secure with him.

Sounds like heaven right...
Not exactly.
I'm notorious for falling for those so far away from me 
There is nothing I hate more then a long distance relationship.
It has ruined things in the past and I'm concerned that it's going to hinder this one.
I mean how do you begin and build a relationship from 700 miles apart.
You just don't.
I just need him here.

THE BAD.

I really didn't think that I'd fall for him.. I honestly didn't.
 I could just tell from the beginning that he was the type of guy to steer clear from.
 Well that plan failed...

At the beginning there were no feelings, and I was okay with that, 

I wanted it like that

Well, I always say... Prepare to be Surprised!

I can without a doubt tell you that I am more than surprised..

I'm shocked.

He wasn't suppose to be caring, or understanding.

He wasn't supposed to listen or ask me how my day was.

He wasn't suppose to make me feel anything

but he did...

I think it's normal to have expectations.

Maybe that's the control freak in me, but I like knowing how people will act and knowing how situations will turn out.

This has definitely thrown me for a loop.

I don't know what to do or how to act now..

I'll admit.. 

I'm a light weight 

easy to fall 

easy to break

That's what makes me so afraid.

I'm afraid to let him in, 

I'm worried he'll prove me right.

but

on the flip side...

I'm intrigued.

I love how he's taken me by surprise,
and upset my plans.

THE UGLY.

So now what?!
That's the ugly part.
That's the part I'm trying to avoid.

Choose The Risk

There are a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, 
upsets your plans, 
and may seem crazy to others. 
When that happens, you do it. 
Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. 
Ignore logic, 
ignore the odds, 
ignore the complications 
&& just go for it.

The Voice In My Head

"Look less with your eyes and more with your heart."

Conference Weekend.
It's always a weekend that I look forward to.
Not only because of Mom's famous cinnamon rolls,
or because of the quality time spent with family and friends
but because it is a time when God smacks me right in the face with advice and guidance that I need.

I love the gospel and the constant reassurance it is to me that I have a purpose here in this crazy world. That I am more then just a number or a statistic. I am here for a reason. And that although I'm far from perfect, and despite my daily mistakes and short-comings God loves me and has a plan for me.
I've been through some tough things.
Things that know one knows or could even understand.
But I refuse to let those define me or tear down my spirit. 
The world does not get to have the best of me.
I've realized that I'm not only a survivor, I'm a fighter.
I'm tougher then anything life throws me.

To those who feel like life has dealt them a bad hand, please remember to be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.




Invincible by Ester Dean

Moving at My Own Pace

she's banged up.

mentally and emotionally
literally and metaphorically

but everyday she walks outside with a smile on her face

because that's who she is

& because she's the hero of her own story.

 I have to remind myself that no one is going to make my dreams come true for me. It is my job to get up every day and work toward the things that are deepest in my heart, and to enjoy every step of the journey rather than wishing I was already where I want to end up.

I'm still not sure about a lot of things. and i feel like that's been looked down upon, but the way i see it is, i'm taking my time....

I'm taking my time deciding what I want to do...

who I want to be...

& who I want to be with...

stop hating on me for that!!
let me enjoy the ride.

                Dream on...

The Girl All The Bad Boys Want...

I often realize...

I find myself in the damnedest places.

That is the perfectly formulated way to describe my life.

This last week I got the random opportunity to go to Vegas with a company to work at the Interbike trade show.

& after 20 seconds of insane courage and winning a bet made by a co-worker, my trip ended with these boys.

I mean who gets the chance hang out and walk the strip with Maris Strombergs until 8 in the morning.

If you're not green with jealous rage that this point..

 let me tell you....

you should be.

I find myself in the damnedest places.. ;]

every experience is a life lesson, so...

  You are the books you read, 

the films you watch, 

the music you listen to,

 the people you meet,

 the dreams you have, 

the conversations you engage in.

 You are what you take from these. 

You are the sound of the ocean, the breath of fresh air, the brightest light and the darkest corner. 

You are a collection of every experience you have had in your life. 

You are every single day. 

So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge and existence.

 Let the words run through your veins and let the colors fill your mind. 

take chances.

 risk looking like a fool.

& just go for it.

With Every Inch....

Learn to  the fool in you

 the one who feels too much,

 talks too much, 

takes too many chances,

 wins sometimes and loses often, 

lacks self control,

 loves and hates, 

hurts and gets hurt,

 promises and breaks promises,

 laughs and cries.

 It alone protects you against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom you also harbor and who would rob you of human aliveness, humility, and dignity.

04-natasha bedingfield-neon lights by mbOp